October Conflicts

Hello magical, beautiful people!

I’m not sure how I let October run away with me, but somehow it’s getting way too close to the holiday season and its crazy how quickly this year is flying by! I’ve been extremely absent in a lot of areas this past month, and since this is my blog, I decided that was what I wanted to ramble about today. Tehe.

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I love October. I adore the feeling of autumn, the cooler weather, just the whole thing. But this year, for some reason, the feeling of the fall season coming on made me panic and start on a dark downward spiral. My anxiety got very hyped up. I started feeling more and more like a failure at life. My health started getting worse again. I’m not a social person by nature in any way, but during the last while I have begun to feel like I’m letting the people in my life down. In the past, even when my anxiety has been quite crippling, I could usually still hold semi-normal conversations with people, whether it be in passing, groups, or whatever. It would take the energy out of me very quickly, but I could still pass as a stable human being. Now my social anxiety has taken precedence and I tend to freeze up around people. I can still manage with my customers and my coworkers, and I can talk to my family without much trouble. Beyond that, though, I just don’t talk. Even being in situations with other people is difficult for me, so things like going to church, social events, or just shopping around town, are all stressful and easily cause me to shut down.

Not only do I feel like I’m failing the people in my life, but I also feel like I’m not fulfilling the various roles that I play. Even though I can manage my issues when I’m at work, I always have that niggling feeling that I could be doing so much better. The same goes for other areas in my life… social events where I feel like I fade into the background and rely on my husband to deal with the people around us; at home where it seems like I can never keep up with the house or spend enough time with the cats or cook dinner at the right time.

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Plain and simple, I just have not been present. At all. I’ve been so stuck in the future that I’ve been unable to enjoy the moment. And that makes me feel awful. My “moment” right now is so fabulous when I actually stop to think about it, and I want to be able to enjoy it for what it is! It is unfair to the people in my life, especially my husband and family. They need me to be here, where they are, and not in some other timeline.

My thoughts get so intent on how I’m going to handle all sorts of things in the future, like where are the children we’ve talked about going to go to school? How long will I stay at my current job, and what would I do if I left it? Where are we going to live in 5 years, and what exactly will our situation look at that point? And so on and so forth. Nothing that I should even be planning yet, let alone stressed about to this level. It’s almost as though I’m stuck in another future, on a time loop of hypothetical situations and planning and stress.

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Honestly it’s been hard to find anything that helps me feel better this time around. Every dark spiral is a bit different, but it’s been a while since I’ve dealt with one this bad. I feel like other than the times that I’m at work, I’m practically a recluse. I’ve gotten upset at the people around me a few times because I think they should be helping me with my hypothetical problems, when in reality I’m creating an external problem instead of recognizing my anxiety issue. Or sometimes I’m really pushing my depressive feelings regarding myself onto the other person. I’ve had to let some things go in my life, including keeping my house as clean as it could be, and helping with the music team at church – both things that were causing me unneeded stress. And of course, I have to remember how blessed I am to have someone who never ever gives up on me, even when I put him through so much more than he really ought to be dealing with. He’s a pretty good reason to keep going, no matter what.

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I took a mini road trip over the weekend and it gave me some time to really think. That’s when I realized that I haven’t been living ‘in the moment’. I’ve been obsessing over things that I really don’t even need to be thinking about yet, and it’s slowly been ruining my life. I’ve been so focused on what I’m going to do next year that I’m forgetting what I can do right now. I need to work on controlling my thoughts. I need to center myself several times throughout the day. I need reminders and mantras, anything to bring me back into the moment and let the other things go.

But we all know that it’s not that easy. I have to have a lot of commitment, put in the work that’s needed. And I need to breathe. A lot.

So right now I’m working on making that commitment to myself. I have to commit to keeping myself focused. Focused on improving the little things that I have control over right now. I have to practice the art of enjoying the journey as it comes instead of jumping ahead all the time.

Beautiful stories don’t happen automatically – they take time. And we have to love the time it takes.

Love and kindness,

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie

1 comment

Hubby likes to stress over the future, too. He’s impatient and thinks things should be happening faster and easier. I could easily stress over the future and shut down, but when I realize that we’re doing phenomenal for people in our age group (and so are you!), then I stop worrying. As it is, I’m pretty well fulfilled where I am as a stay at home mom and housewife.

The future is important, especially things in the immediate future like getting out of debt and saving money. But enjoying where you are at and seeing how things will get BETTER, instead of stressing about all kinds of decisions you don’t need to make and how things can go wrong, is important.

You’ve only been married a couple months. You’re still figuring stuff out. When I get frustrated with our situation, I like to think of how we’ve progressed since we married. We have running water, electricity, a wood stove, hubby actually has a job that pays very well, and best of all, no debt. We had debt and none of those other things when we married.

I’m glad your little trip helped you to realize what’s going on! Hopefully, with a lot of effort and prayer, you can get your mind and body back on track and actually feel good this holiday season. 🙂 One of us has got to feel good… I’m going to be tired and sore with a brand-new baby. 😉

At least you recognize what’s going on and have finally figured out how to control it…. Now to actually put the effort in. Blegh. You have an amazing support group, so don’t be afraid to ask them for help. We love you! Your husband loves you! Don’t forget to communicate with him. Something I’m still learning with my hubby…. He’s a great communicator… I’m not.

And do what you can NOW. You’ve got a basic plan for next year, so figure out what you can do now to make it possible and to improve next year. I know, you talked about that in your post.

The future can look scary and daunting, or bright and cheerful. If you focus on God and your man, your life partner, it won’t be so bad. Bad times and good times both will come, but don’t stress about it. Just have a plan for the future and enjoy the little things that will get you there.

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