Not Being In Control

Hi there, beautiful dreamers!

Last week I gave y’all a nice little fluffy post about my fur-babies. This week I’m changing the subject entirely and going back to the mental health ideas, specifically the idea of anxiety and feeling out of control. I’ve worked on this post so many different times and yet I still can’t get anything other than a rambling sort of mess. Maybe that’s just what I’m destined to write for the moment. Ah well.

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I am a very anxious person, even if it’s not blatantly obvious to most people. It’s nearly impossible to shut my brain off and just relax or enjoy the moment. It definitely becomes a problem and often stresses me out to the point where I can’t make decisions or handle social situations very well.

Although I have learned, to some extent to be flexible, not knowing plans or what’s happening makes me very tense. It’s easy for me to get irritable with people for not understanding my mental state. Sometimes I can’t just “go with the flow” like they can, even though I can see their perspective too, and I feel guilty about my frustration.

In certain situations my anxiety can come off as being a bit of a control freak or type-A personality. Driving, for example, or when it comes to cleaning my house or cooking. Things that I usually have control over. It’s not so much that I don’t trust someone else to do those things the right way, but rather that I have an overwhelming need to do it myself. I NEED to physically do certain things on my own sometimes because it gives me control over at least one thing, especially if everything else in life is beyond my control.

I’ve been aware of my deficiency in this area for a long time, but it’s not the easiest thing to handle or even just repress. Sometimes my anxiety is worse than usual and it comes out as a particularly strong controlling reaction. Sometimes I find the ability to take a deep breath and leave a circumstance alone without jumping in to fix or change it.

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Being pregnant is kind of anxiety-inducing in a way because there is just so much that is completely out of my hands. I can’t 100% protect my daughter, and as she gets older the small amount of control that I do have is only going to lessen. Even if my mom is the one who will take care of her when I go back to work, it still won’t be ME, and that’s enough to set off some anxiety (and I trust my mom implicitly/explicitly). I’ve had to focus on providing a happy, safe environment where she’s surrounded by love rather than an anxiety-filled atmosphere. So I guess in a way, being pregnant has forced me to focus on this problem more than I did before.

Being married has also helped in some ways. Obviously I can’t do everything all of the time so I have to let the husband be in charge of some things. Even though I completely trust him, I still find it hard to let him clean the house without trying to help or to take care of my cats without checking in all the time. I’ve gotten a lot better about it though and I can usually remind myself that its him, that we’re a team and it’ll all be okay as long as we communicate about it.

I’ve also been trying to learn how to let go a little more inside my head. It’s really hard, but I’m trying to adjust my mindset so that my priorities are the only things that take up space in my head, not all the little mundane issues that really don’t matter. Spending even just a few minutes in the morning in meditation has been really helpful because it sets my mind up for success, right away. Then I’m able to build on those few minutes by reminding myself throughout the day to be present and remain in the moment.

My anxiety/issues with control aren’t really debilitating in the true sense of the word. I can do my job quite competently (I think) and I don’t completely avoid social or stressful situations. It can get in the way of close relationships though and that’s something I do have to work on.

Experiencing my own form of this issue has made me so much more sympathetic to others who experience the same thing, often in a much worse way. My heart goes to those in more difficult circumstances and those who haven’t yet been told that there’s a way out of the black holes.

What is your experience? Does anxiety follow you around too or is it more random?


Love and kindness!

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie

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