Life in 2020

A Recap

Hello, my wonderful readers,
It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post and although I’ve been too preoccupied to worry about it, I noticed as soon as I opened up my writing program that I had missed this. It’s therapeutic to write about things sometimes and since I’ve been too busy to really write at all, even in my journals, this is great.
The week before last, I was dealing with some major migraines that just would. not. leave. I hadn’t had that happen in quite a while, so I guess it was overdue. In reality, I need to see my chiropractor more often because chasing a toddler is more draining than you might think. Continue reading →

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Rise Above Difficulties

Hello, my beautiful dreamers,
I’ve been maintaining the status quo lately in my personal life… not pushing the envelope very much, even though there are things that need to be done. It’s been easier that way, not so stressful or overwhelming.
But the problem with the status quo is that it doesn’t go anywhere. It stays the same. And that makes me restless. So, a few days of this and I start to get antsy. I feel on edge. Continue reading →

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October At Last

Hello, beautiful darlings,
You have no idea how happy I am that its October. And that is for quite a few reasons.

First off, I just love October. It might be my favorite month of the year (not 100% sure, but pretty close) and I always look forward to it. It’s funny because first, I wanted our wedding to be in October. That didn’t work out, so then I wanted our baby to be born in October. That didn’t happen either, so now I’m just settled into having October as my month. Which is actually quite nice, now that I’m thinking about it. I don’t have to share it with anyone, I can enjoy the weather and the autumn joy without any expectations. Things always turn out just right, don’t they? Continue reading →

Posted by katharine_marie in Life in 2020, Lifestyle, mental health, Parenting, Setting Goals, 0 comments

Hello Again! A 2020 Life Update…

Hello, my darlings!

It’s been all of two weeks since the last time I posted, but in a lot of ways, it feels like much longer. Life has just been so hectic lately. I’ve got half a dozen drafts sitting in my writing program waiting to be finished, but since I’ve been doing more focused posts lately, I thought it would be good to just sit down and have a chat about how life has been going. I guess its not really a chat though if I’m the only one talking. Eh, whatever. Continue reading →

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The Happy Moments

Hello beautiful dreamers!
August has been a long month, just like 2020 has been a long year. There’s been a lot of hard days for me personally, but it hasn’t been all bad. There are still plenty of positives to focus on. Since I dealt with a lot of the more negative aspects during the rest of the month, this week is for happier things.

Continue reading →

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Marriage and Communication

Hi, my beautiful folks! I hope this week is treating you well so far!

At this moment, two years ago, I was preparing to say “I do” to the person that still means more to me than anyone else in the world. For once in my life, I wasn’t nervous, which says a lot, because I overthink and question every single decision I make in my life. I’ve never questioned that decision though. My marriage is absolutely the best part of my life and I am happier than I ever thought possible.
But I’m not going to wax poetic about love and romance and all that. I’ve already written about the wedding before, and also about how amazing The Best Husband is on our first anniversary. I’m taking a different approach today and looking at what affects relationships and how they can all be different but still wonderful.

Peach Flower Traditional Love Quote Facebook Post

Every single person is different, so every single marriage is going to look a little different from the next. It would be impossible to expect all relationships to work the same way because there are so many factors that play into it.

Mental Health’s Role

One thing I struggle with is my mental health and of COURSE, it has an effect on my marriage because how could it not? Mental health plays a role in all sorts of relationships in my life, especially friends and family members, and none more so than the relationship I have with my husband. He knows me the best and I talk to him more than anyone else, so he’s most familiar with what I deal with. It’s hard on him sometimes and it can make things difficult, certainly. Not everyone’s relationship is like ours – not everyone knows for sure that their significant other truly has their back all the time. It’s a whole lot easier for me, just knowing that he supports me 100% and will hold my hand every step of the way. That in itself is a lifesaver.

Find Balance Together

I know that he’s there for me, no matter what, but sometimes it’s hard to balance my own health against such an important relationship. It’s a personal struggle that I have because I always feel guilty and think I’m being a burden/too demanding/needy/etc. I’ve been able to overcome a lot of those feelings, but it has been hard. I have very particular needs on my bad days and sometimes trying to get those needs met doesn’t go so well because… communication? I think. Still figuring that out. Basically, I’m working on being able to communicate my needs better without dumping all my crap onto my poor husband and overloading him because hello? He’s got things he needs to and I have a tendency to forget that. I really don’t think he knew what he was getting himself into when he married me. Sorry, love.
I really do have the right intentions at heart, and so does he, but finding that balance where we both feel heard and understood is difficult at times, as I think it is for all couples. We’ve gotten so much better, especially since COVID hit and we were forced to spend even more time together than we used to. Haha.

Check In Often

As I mentioned, communication is key. It will almost always be the key, regardless of the issue. Too many times, we forget to check in to make sure the other person is doing okay. Assuming that someone is doing fine because they haven’t said otherwise is likely to get you in trouble. I’ve been on both ends of that and neither one is fun. There are times that life is too busy and too hectic to really have long, insightful conversations, yes. I’ve been there, but I strongly believe that if you’re too busy to check in on the relationship regularly (daily, in my opinion) for even just a few minutes then you’re too busy. Making the effort to keep the other person “in the loop” about how you’re feeling and doing is vital to staying connected to each other. Without communication, we lose connection, people don’t feel loved and relationships deteriorate.
For me personally, since I stay home all day, it’s easy to get caught up in my own projects and then somehow “not get around” to telling the Best Husband Ever about what’s going on or how I’ve been feeling. It has the double effect of making him feel like he’s not an involved part of our home life and making me feel like I have to take care of everything. The longer we go on like that, the worse it gets. But even if its a day that he gets home extra late, but we still find time to talk about what happened and how we’re doing before going to bed? That’s still a good day and we go to sleep feeling that connection.
This post is getting a bit long already, whoops. Most of what I’m said so far sounds like basic relationship stuff, but making connections is even more important when dealing with mental illness. In my experience, both anxiety and depression have a really frustrating effect of making me pull away from people, especially important people who are good support in the tough times. Maintaining and making effort in those relationships when times are NOT so hard is vital for me because it creates better habits for when things do get rough.
Have you checked in with someone today? Just to see how they’re doing? Or maybe you feel the need to check in with someone else, just so you don’t feel alone – that’s good too, do that!


Love, light, and kindness, always,
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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, General, Life in 2020, mental health, 0 comments

starting fresh

Hello dear readers,

The last few posts I’ve written have felt kind of heavy. Usually, I try not to do that many in a row, but between the world lately and everything I’ve been working through and processing internally, it would have felt fake to try and post something more upbeat or lighter in nature. That isn’t to say that I’ve been depressed and miserable for the last month. It’s actually been quite a good summer overall! But I do try to write about the real and the raw aspects of life, and things have definitely been VERY real lately.

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Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

So the short version of the story is that I’ve been doing a lot of internal processing lately. 2020 has been a really strange year and I’ve found myself breaking out of the box I had previously put myself into in so many ways. I’ve found the courage to state my opinions and beliefs, to actually speak with people more boldly than I ever would have before, and it has been really really freeing. But in the same breath, it has been so very hard because I overthink every little thing and having disagreements with people is something that I have always avoided with a passion.

But I know, in my heart, that I’m not making mistakes in my life, that I’m just coming home to myself and owning who I am in a whole new light. I’m recognizing my faults and my bad habits and in doing so, I’m motivated to overcome them. I’m focused on loving the people around me, and in doing so, I’m learning how to love myself all over again. I’ve had the right intentions for so very long, but I’ve been blind to how I was blocking myself from really reaching my dreams or how I was dividing and hurting other people, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted!

Tracking my moods and my habits in my planner has been absolutely invaluable in helping me realize when I’m being selfish and when I’m being selfLESS, two things that get tangled sometimes in my mind (odd as that may sound). Making my opinions known is different from arguing with someone and in trying to stand up for what I believe, I was becoming resentful and bitter, all because I was going about it the wrong way. (I’m still figuring out the right way for ME, so I’ll keep you updated lol.)

I’m getting used to saying it out loud, but I’m a very empathic person. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time, and I’ve really come to terms lately with the fact that I was not dealing with it very well at all. I never truly understood how much my empathic tendencies were taking over every minute of every day, or how much I was feeding off of other people. And that isn’t healthy. Not at all! I’ve had to take a step back from people in general and do some work on me before I can even think about helping others in the same way.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to me being in a place to write this blog post and a lot of things that I want to discuss moving forward, but I’ll get to those in the future. All I want to say right now is that I am deeply sorry if I have hurt or offended anyone. I never wanted to spread anything but love and I’m so upset that I’ve done otherwise. My beliefs may not change, but I am working on changing my actions, which I hope will become self-evident.

I won’t be posting this Friday and it’s deliberate this time, not just because of a hectic schedule. I need some time to recharge and I’m also way behind on planning blog posts for the rest of 2020. So I’ll be working on that as well. But next week is August and I’ll be back full force!


Much love and lots of light to everyone,

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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, General, Life in 2020, Lifestyle, mental health, Setting Goals, 0 comments

Five Years of Choices

Hey there, all you lovely folks out in the big wide world!

I’ve been in that weird mental space lately where I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened in my life and the choices that I made that led to where I am today.

Five years ago I was getting ready to head off to university. According to the plan I had at that time, 2020 would have been the year I would have started teaching/working/something, likely moved into the Dallas area (or another metroplex). I had zero intentions of settling down or having kids for a looonnnggg time yet. Don’t you just love how life doesn’t turn out the way we planned? It’s great.

My brain is very inconsistent sometimes. It’s very hard for me to let go of that one inconsequential thing I didn’t do yesterday and kick myself for that. But do I wish I hadn’t gone to university, struggled really really hard, and spent a crapload of money for three rough semesters that would leave me totally confused about what I really wanted out of my life? No, not really. I could easily look back and see where I could have made better choices or done things better/differently, but I don’t regret the journey that brought me to where I am today.

I learned SO MUCH about music during the years I spent studying and pursuing that career. I may be out of practice right now, but even without playing regularly, I’m still a pretty great pianist and that’s a skill I value highly.

The first semester I spent at university, I leased a lovely little horse and took weekly lessons for several months. It was easy to think that I failed at my horse goals because ultimately it was expensive/time consuming and I ended the lease in order to focus on my music classes. But in actuality, even four years later, I’m still feeling the effects of what I learned in those lessons and from that horse when I ride Lady. That’s worth it.

I might have felt lost. I might have spent my time in questionable ways. I may have spent too many late nights out on the town because I was confused. I might have ended up in the wrong relationships. But I learned from every single thing that happened.

I stressed myself out. I cried. I got a new kitten. I had a lot of panic attacks. I spent hours pounding away on super expensive pianos and questioning my career choice the entire time. I took criticism. I made good and bad grades. I discovered a unique love for music history (that was unexpected). I failed a class for the first time in my life. I struggled with money and then spent half a month’s earnings on my first tattoo – because I wanted to. I made and lost friends. I worked long hours and went into debt for the first time.

Basically, the first few years of “adulthood” were hard for me. And I think, in a way, they should be that way. It was rough being on my own for the first time. Plus, I’m stubbornly independent and will not ask for help unless it’s extremely dire. So I needed to learn a few lessons.

But I don’t regret the choices that I made or the experiences that I had. None of it was a waste of time or money. I didn’t think I would end up where I did, but I’m also not the same person I was five years ago. I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I had no idea what I was doing when I said yes to The Husband’s proposal and I had no idea what I was thinking when I said I wanted a baby. But those were the two decisions that led to the most happiness I could ever ask for in a lifetime.

I’m still searching for more, and I think I always will be, to some extent. But truthfully, I could not ask for a better life. I’m grounded and truly confident in myself and what I believe. It’s a nice place to be.

Maybe this week I’ll manage to get out two posts again. I’ve been in the process of clearing more space in my schedule and school is tough this term, so it’s been a juggling act lately!


Until next time,

Love, light, and kindness,

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Posted by katharine_marie in General, Life in 2020, Life of a Writer, Lifestyle, mental health, 0 comments

Recognition

This post was supposed to be out yesterday but I got flattened by a migraine, so here we are instead!

Hello lovely dreamers!

I don’t think it matters what side you’re taking, which opinion you have, or any of that. Everybody is being affected in some way by the state of affairs in the world today. Everybody that I know has taken some sort of mental health hit this year. It’s hard. We weren’t made to live through things like this and thrive at the same time. It’s okay to struggle, to have a difficult time dealing with change, and want to cry, argue, fight, etc.

I know for myself, it’s been hard lately to take a step back and look at the big picture. I’ve found myself caught up in details, in the anger that is circulating, especially in our small town, and I’ll admit that I succumbed to a bit of the hatred that I normally avoid like the plague (hahahh sobbing).

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Photo by Ryan Plomp on Unsplash

My husband is the best. We see eye to eye on basically every single thing and we are able to talk about everything in a way that makes me calmer, balanced, and more centered. I love our relationship.

But the last month has seen his work hours getting longer and longer. We basically expect a 12 hour day 5 days a week at this point and because he’s working outside in the Texas heat, and wearing a mask out in that heat, he’s exhausted when he gets home. I love him for working so hard and taking care of us, but it has been difficult to deal with the fact that we rarely get much time to really talk and be together. It took me far too long to realize that was why I was being so emotional and feeling so frustrated all the time – because I wasn’t getting the things I wanted. I was trying to be “okay” with the work situation and that irritation was just spilling out in other ways.

Last week I took some time to myself. I reconnected with my spirituality a little bit again and worked on answering some questions that had been floating around in my head. It’s easy, especially when running low on sleep, to just avoid doing the hard things and taking care of yourself emotionally. I had just been surviving for a while now and I can only do that for so long before it starts to really affect me.

But the frustration doesn’t just go away. Taking care of myself and trying to be okay with things that rub me the wrong way only lessens it a little bit. I’m starting to realize what triggers the negative emotions like frustration and bitterness and when I feel that happening, the best thing to do is to step away and focus instead on something that will fill me, like laying down on the floor and playing with my daughter or having a dance party in the living room. Those things help, regardless of how inconsequential they might seem in the moment.

It’s funny. I don’t claim to be perfect or whatever, but I do think I usually do a good job of seeing and recognizing problems within myself or my behavior before they become real problems. Right now though, it feels like I’ve been blind to a lot of things that were just building up inside of me. And it’s a challenge to figure out what to do with the emotions now that I’ve identified and validated them.

So yeah. I guess that’s where we’re at right now. I do want to say though, that I don’t post things like this for a reaction or for any other superfluous or selfish reason. I post things like this as an insight into my own mental health journey so that other people can know that they’re not the only ones struggling. I know, for myself, that reading other people’s stories can really make me feel less alone and less terrible about myself. Just keeping it real here, that’s all.


I love each of you readers so much! I’m sending out all the light and socially distant hugs today and wish you all a great rest of your week!

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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, Life in 2020, mental health, 0 comments

Thoughts on Words, Support, and Culture

Hello, beautiful darlings,

Is it just me or has this felt like the looonngggessst week ever? I’m getting so sick of shutdowns and being trapped at home and not being able to function like a normal human being. Ughhhh…

Anywho. Today I wanted to jump straight in and have a little chat about mental illness and a few of the things that really affect it, especially right now. Heavy subject matter maybe, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

Over the last ten years or so, possibly longer if I could remember, I’ve heard comments from all sorts of people about how mental illness must just be laziness or some other such nonsense.

“It’s all in your head.”

“Have you tried NOT being depressed?”

“You have nothing to worry about, your life is great!”

“You must not be trying hard enough. If you do X, you’ll get over it more quickly.”

“I know someone who did X and they’re totally normal now!”

Ad nauseam, on and on and on again.

Please. Just. Stop. It.

I’m begging you.

First of all, mental illness is just that. An illness. Would you say those same things to someone who was suffering from a physical medical diagnosis? I’m willing to bet that you would not. Well, some people might, but most people wouldn’t. Not only that, but mental illness is not considered an acute illness. There is such a thing as situational depression or anxiety that is caused by a traumatic event, of course, but the majority of cases are CHRONIC. Meaning that there are good phases, there are bad patches, and there’s everything in between. We keep keeping on, doing the things that help keep us in the good places and move on.

Trying to find the support that is truly needed is hard. I personally have a very small number of people that I would consider reaching out to during a really rough patch. I may write about it all on here, but 9 times out of 10, I’m writing about the experience after the worst is over.

Mental willpower is something that people misunderstand, though, and that seems to play into a lot of the bizarre comments that I and many other folks with mental issues have received. Religious communities tend to give pat answers like “pray harder!” or “if you have enough faith/trust, God will release you from your illness.” I’m sorry, but that just isn’t the case! Of course, I believe that God has the power to take away our struggles and our ailments – that not what I’m saying at all. The problem with these answers is that they’re pretty and easy. They put all the blame at the feet of the suffering individual. And we’re not meant to go through things all alone, we’re meant to go through them together, with community and encouragement and love.

The other thing that contributes to a lot of this problem is simply the culture that we have right now. The world is lonely. We have social media and memes and entertainment at our fingertips, and we’re always working and running from this place to the next. We have no true connection. We don’t have people that we do life with on a basic, emotional level. Like I said, we’re meant as humans to have a community. We’re not meant to go through life alone. And I’m not talking romantically alone, I mean having meaningful friendships and relationships that you cultivate and nurture.

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Photo by DJ Johnson on Unsplash

Trust me, I am preaching myself more than anyone right now. I have failed my friends in so many ways. I have pushed people away, and I struggle every single day just to text people back when they reach out. Nobody said that the things that we truly need would be easy to find. They take work and believe me when I say that I am SO awful at searching for community and friendship. But the times that I push through and actually try? Those are the moments that I really treasure and hold close.

That’s my little rant for the day, and reading back over this, I realize that I’ve glossed over a lot of deep topics that could very easily be turned into their own posts – so I guess that will probably happen in the future. All I’m trying to say right now is think about how powerful words can be and how important we are to each other.

What do you think? Is this something that you think about and struggle with too? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on these ideas. 🙂


Love, kindness, and so many hugs!

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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, General, Life in 2020, mental health, 0 comments