adjustments

a new lifestyle

Hey fellow dreamers!

Today is Friday, my second Friday since I left my full time job. Two weeks that I’ve been a stay at home mom. Sometimes it feels like it’s been forever, but it really hasn’t been.

I never thought I would be doing this. Well, truthfully I had my doubts that I would have children at all, but once that was something I wanted, I really felt called to try and pursue work options I could do while staying home with the tiny human. Particularly as someone who wants to home-school down the road, it seemed natural to start from the beginning.

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I will say it’s definitely been an adjustment and not without it’s very, VERY hard moments. The teething, which had been kind of hit or miss, depending on the day, really hit us around the middle of last week and I’ll admit I had a few times where I missed being at work, or anywhere away from the screaming really. She still doesn’t have that ridiculous little tooth, but between the on-demand nursing, extra naps and cuddles, and the magic of chamomile, we’re surviving for right now.

I’m learning how to do a whole lot in 45 minutes while she sleeps. I honestly had no idea how much one could fit into that small space of time! I still feel like my house will never be as clean as I want it to be, but it is consistently more clean than it was before, so that’s something.

Another time I’ll talk more about how my schedules and planning tendencies go with this new change – something my therapist and I are still discussing and tweaking for my optimal mental health – but I can honestly say that working full time and being a SAHM are equally hard, it’s just in different ways.

Working full time was so SO hard for me because it felt like I never got anything done at home because from the time I got off to the time she went to bed, I wanted nothing more than to enjoy those precious moments. Then, when she did go to bed, the day really hit me and I no longer had any energy for the house chores or anything else I might have wanted to do. Emotionally I struggled a lot and the lack of sleep wore me down so much.

Being at home is… a little easier for me emotionally? I say that kind of in jest because we have had several of those days where I want the Husband to be home RIGHT NOW so I can just have a moment to myself. But I don’t miss the emotional roller coaster that being away from her was for me. My days often feel incredibly long and I’m not even quite sure what day of the month it is right now – I can keep up with the day of the week only because Husband goes to work. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing stuff all. day. long. and then in the evening it’s like my day was gone with nothing to show for it. So it’s different. Easier in some ways, harder in others.

I have so much compassion for new moms now because no matter which lifestyle you have, it’s going to be hard. That’s just what having a baby is like and everyone has to decide for themselves which path is going to work (ha ha)best for them and their family. Mom guilt is such a real thing and I know we all cry in the shower, or in the car, or wherever because we’re convinced we’re doing it all wrong. There is no right way to be a mom as long as you’re loving that baby with everything you have. That’s all that matters.

I said something about it in an Instagram post earlier this week – that success can change from day to day. It’s not a static definition. Not only does that mean that my definition will look different today than it did yesterday, but it means that my definition in general will look different from yours. The comparisons that often happen between different mothers is so unrealistic because we are all such different people.


For myself, I have zero concerns about choosing to stay at home with my beautiful daughter. Is it where I imagined myself to be at this point in my life? Not at all. But it is where I need to be right now and whether or not that changes in the future doesn’t really matter to me.


Love, light, and warm hugs, especially to all the other moms out there!

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Posted by katharine_marie in Life in 2020, mental health, Parenting, 0 comments

Thoughts for November

Hello dear lovely readers,

I definitely have not been keeping up with my usual blogging schedule this month. The first half of the month I was very distracted with getting words written on my Nanowrimo project and now I’m just having trouble getting any words written at all.

This past week has just been really rough overall. Even though the Tiny Princess still wakes up at night to eat, we had been more or less on a routine and I was getting decent chunks of sleep in between her feedings. And then, for no apparent reason except the fact that she’s a baby, she decided to wake up at completely random times for a whole slew of different reasons other than being hungry. It’s taken almost a week at this point but she is FINALLY settling back into a rhythm so maybe I can stop feeling like a zombie again soon? I don’t know. Now I just need to get her back to her wakeup time being 8am and not 7am. I love you, munchkin, but I desperately need that one hour to myself first thing in the morning, thank you very much! <insert slightly delirious laughter here>

We are also coming up on the holidays. Thanksgiving is next week (Whaaaa? How!) and then it’s Christmas time and then suddenly it’s going to be 2020. I would be one hundred percent okay with time just stopping for a hot minute, but sadly that will never be the case so I guess I just need to get my life together and enjoy the holidays. Which I always do, of course, although this year I’m probably putting some extra pressure on myself to get some family traditions started with the Tiny Princess. I’m awful at putting excess pressure on myself when I shouldn’t, isn’t that right? Something else to work on, I suppose.

It’s been a challenging week in terms of mental health too. It’s a little ironic though, since at the end of last week I was just thinking about how good I had been feeling and things were going well. Ha ha ha… every time I notice that things are good is when they take that turn again. Anxiety was the first one to rock the boat and then, especially with the lack of sleep factored in, things just devolved to where I am now – an uber fragile emotional state wherein one random word can bring on tears and completely ruin my day. I’ll be the first one to bring up the fact that we have the strongest influence on our own moods, but to me that’s the difference between just a bad day and a day where my brain is short circuiting: how well I can control my own moods and feelings. And this week it’s definitely been the brain. Well, and the not sleeping. That too.

In case you can’t tell how much sleep I’ve been lacking, this post has just become a rambling mess at this point. But that’s okay, I haven’t done one quite like this in a while.


With one week left in November, this is usually the time when I start to focus on what’s coming up in the next year and brainstorm new goals and all sorts of new crazy s*$! I can plan to do. Sometimes I even ruin my holiday moments with all of that. But not this time.

I’ve earmarked a page in my planner and labeled it “2020”. Now, for the next 4-5 weeks (or until Christmas is over) whenever an idea or a thought pops into my head about the future, I’m jotting it down on that page. Once I go back to work after Christmas, then I’m going to actually take a look at that page and figure out what next year might hold.

For right now I want to focus on making memories and enjoying the holidays, bonding with my family, my husband, and my sweet baby girl. Time goes by way too quickly and right now I’m tired of wasting it by focusing so far in the future. Adaline is never going to have another first Thanksgiving or another first Christmas and even though she won’t remember it, I intend to enjoy it with her as much as possible.

I’m going to go ahead and scale back my blog posts for the rest of 2019, depending on how I’m feeling on any given day. I suppose we can consider this my winter break – the intention is to come back in full force once January arrives.


All the love and kindness for the season ahead!

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, mental health, 0 comments

Saving Our Mental Space

Hello dear readers!

Today I’m coming at you again with a post about mental health. Exactly the content you were looking for today, I know!

I am a very introverted person and I’ve had to learn how to manage myself so that I don’t overwork myself or use up all my energy on things that aren’t really worth my time. It’s a delicate line to walk and I don’t succeed nearly every time.

We all know the detrimental effects that can be felt when we push our physical limits too far. Something could go wrong or we could get injured and then be out of commission for a long while. At some point we are forced to take a step back and realize that we can’t take on everything all at once. It just doesn’t work that way.

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I want to take it a bit further and offer up the idea that maybe we’re not just pushing ourselves physically but also mentally and emotionally. We already have schedules that get filled up far too quickly and we’re having to find space to squeeze this new thing into them. But I find that regardless of my actual schedule, I often still end up giving away space in my mind for things that don’t really belong there.

My brain moves a million miles a second. It’s exhausting just being in my head sometimes. But yet I still end up taking on the problems and burdens of everyone around me which then makes everything even more exhausting!

Mental health is finally being talked about more and I’m so happy about it! It’s a great thing that the world is finally starting to see mental illnesses in a similar light as physical illnesses – hopefully more people will be able to get the help they need without having to deal with the stigma and backlash that comes from it.

I truly think it should be a normal thing to turn something down, not just because it might not fit into your schedule, but also because you might not have the mental capacity for it at the time. I have many times when I have absolutely nothing on my calendar for the evening, but someone texts me at noon and asks if I can help with something that night. Most of us, if we don’t already have a prior commitment would feel guilty if we didn’t do so. But what if I’ve already had a really tough morning and that evening off is what I need to get through the rest of the week? Does that count as a good reason to say no? My personal opinion is to say yes, it is a legitimate reason.

More people just need to acknowledge and understand the fact that just because someone seems okay or in good spirits does not mean they really are. I have days where my anxiety is nearly crippling and I still make it to work and I still smile and keep a brave face on. My coworkers are awesome, but the customers I deal with sometimes have no idea that their attitude or their way of dumping their crap on me just because I happen to be sitting in front of them is a major trigger for me. They don’t know, but it comes down to the saying that floats around Facebook sometimes: “Always be kind because you have no idea what that person is going through.” And it doesn’t just apply to being rude, but also to being emotionally taxing.

I am very very blessed to have close friends who understand what I go through and will usually check in with me before they lay out their own problems. I love my friends and I never want to turn them down but there have been times where depression is trying really hard to drag me down and I simply can’t be the support system that they need. In those cases, it’s not going to help either one of us.

There are people, some of them in my own life, who would say that people have just gotten too sensitive about everything. This often presents itself as that “problem with millennials,” which is so silly to me. I think instead that people have simply gotten a lot more outspoken about how they are feeling. People are finding the courage and the space to express the fact that they are hurting. The bottom line is that we need to learn to respect that. I don’t think people are necessarily hurting or feeling more than they did fifty years ago, it’s more that the space exists now and the idea is more prevalent that those feelings and pain are valid and legitimate.

I’m glad that mental health information is more widespread now. I’m glad that more space exists for personal expression and emotions are being more accepted as valid instead of weaknesses. The next step is to really see that it’s not our job to fix everyone else’s problems or explain everyone else’s feelings. We need to learn better how to handle and balance our own issues so that then we can support our friends and family better on their own journey.

This is something that I’m personally working on. I don’t have a lot of mental space to spare. Between focusing on my marriage and my family while still battling anxiety and depression, I have a lot to deal with. Knowing that I don’t have to fix my friends’ problems though but instead just support them through whatever is going on? That helps me balance things out though.

I rarely have a soapbox moment but I guess this could be considered one of them. Most of this probably doesn’t actually make a lot of sense together, but it’s been on my mind lately so I decided to cobble a bunch of thoughts together. Maybe it made you think a little bit too. At least I hope so.


Lots of love and kindness, because today’s world can be incredibly cruel.

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, mental health, 0 comments

Moving is Chaos

Hello lovely folks and fellow dreamers!

As I mentioned in Monday’s post, we moved out of our apartment last week! We finally found a place that, while not being any bigger that what we had, is a million times better as far as neighborhood, quality, etc. All the things that were important to me with the impending addition of a tiny human.

But as we all know, moving can be complete chaos. It’s been a bit rough and crazy, but mostly just exhausting. We’re both super tired and trust me, we’re not even completely unpacked yet.

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I had well laid plans and great intentions for packing and moving everything in a timely and orderly way. But good grief, packing is ridiculously hard when you’re eight months pregnant. Well… in reality, just about everything is hard. But the physical exertion of just filling two or three boxes with just clothes was enough for one evening. So, we can just say that things didn’t go according to my “well laid plans.”

We were also faced with the fact that we have way too much stuff. I love a more minimalist aesthetic, but we are so far from that idea it’s a little funny. Because I wasn’t able to pack up as much stuff as I wanted to ahead of time I wasn’t able to sort through everything as much as I originally planned. But we’ve still been able to get rid of a lot of clutter and I plan to sort through things a little more as I unpack boxes.

I need to do a shout-out to my family – they have been absolutely AMAZING. My dad brought his truck and trailer and between him, my brother, and The Husband they were able to move all the furniture down from our second floor apartment and across town to the new place. In the triple digit Texas heat, no less. I felt so bad for them, especially since I have a piano that practically weighs a ton by itself. And my mom – she packed up so much of the house on her own and has been helping me clean. Let’s just say I felt very useless the whole time and still everything got done.

And the cats… oh goodness… they are certainly figuring things out. Giovanni despises moving or packing or anything related to that so he has been a real piece of work. Moriarty just thought it was all the best game ever! I mean, boxes everywhere, right? But they’re slowly settling in. I think they still feel a bit out of place – and they’ve been waking me up at 6am or earlier since we started spending the night. So that’s fun. Time will help them adjust though.

Of course I wish the place was a little bit bigger. In reality the floor space is probably very similar to the apartment but the layout is very different. But we are definitely losing closet space and I’m having to work around that fact.

The entire place has concrete flooring – which while it might not be ideal is really not a big issue. We’re going to invest in some area rugs and cushy mats for the kitchen, which will help a great deal. And we’ve already noticed that the place just feels a lot cooler than the apartment did, part of which I’m sure if because we’re ground level now, but also the concrete floor just stays cool.

My favorite things? Oh dear…

  • The backyard, especially the adorable horses across the fence!
  • The kitchen is bigger. So, SO nice.
  • A laundry room! Granted, we still need to acquire a washer/dryer, but at least there’s a place to put them!
  • No. More. Stairs.
  • The quiet feeling of being almost in the country. We’re in a neighborhood right on the edge of town and it is gloriously quiet and relaxed.
  • Did I mention the stairs being nonexistent? It. Is. Fabulous.

The next housing goal is, of course, to own our own place and we plan to work towards that after the baby gets here. Whether that will be just buying a house or actually building something, we’re not sure. But for right now? I think we’re content just to settle in, work towards some financial goals, and not rush into anything. We found what we think will be a lovely place to bring Baby A home to and that is all that matters right now.

Originally I was going to share a couple of pictures, but without internet at the house for the week my options were more limited – but I plan to share pictures in a couple weeks when I have things more organized. Right now everything is in the middle of unpacking and rather a mess so I’m okay keeping it to myself! So stay tuned if you’re interested in the “finished” product!


Love and kindness,

Katharine Marie

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Thrills and Fears

Hello you fabulous readers!

This week kind of feels like a rollercoaster for some reason. And it’s only Tuesday!

In case you don’t keep up with me on social media, I was finally able to announce yesterday that I’m taking my writing hobby on a new adventure and finally making the push into the freelancing world as a writer and editor!

Now you can check out my new professional website while I slowly figure out how to break my way into jobs and side gigs that I really love spending time on! I’m a whole mix of terrified and excited because this is what I’ve wanted to do for a long time but have never had the courage or drive to really go for it.

But anyways… starting my new business isn’t what I wanted to write about today. Not really. Or at least not quite yet. We’ll come back to it.

Today I want to talk a little bit about the thoughts, the thrills, and the fears that I have about the other adventure I’m embarking on… the one where I become a parent.

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I wasn’t the girl that grew up dreaming about the perfect wedding or knowing that one day I would become a mom. Nothing against those things themselves, but just that I had other priorities and interests that kept me busy.

It makes me cringe because it’s so cliché but I only started being interested in having kids after my husband and I got together. We’re not going to talk about why that might have happened, but that’s the way it was.

But even after we had talked about it and decided that children were in our future, it still didn’t really sink in just what I was getting myself into. Even now, there are a lot of things about the whole situation that scare me to death and if I wasn’t on this adventure with the person I am I probably would have already died of panic. (Sorry, anxiety talking!)

The logical, rational, thinking side of me keeps me kind of sane. I know that my husband and I are an incredibly good team, that we have the same values and ideas, and that we’ll be able to handle this. I’m aware that I have a big group of friends and family that live nearby who will be able to help me learn what I need to know and take on some of the work when I need the backup.

I am super blessed to have a full-time job right now that is supportive and understanding of how real life works so that I’m not stressed about that adjustment after baby A arrives.

Then there’s the terrified aspect… I am very aware of the fact that I don’t know a lot about taking care of a baby. Honestly I only learned a few months ago how important it is not to leave blankets or pillows in a crib with a newborn. I didn’t really babysit as a teenager and I wasn’t all that interested in small children so information like that never really stuck in my mind.

I’m really scared that I’ll do something wrong and she’ll never be able to sleep on her own at night. I’m afraid that the cats aren’t going to get along with her and I’ll be forced to choose (thankfully I already have a long list of ideas on how to fix this problem if it arises).

And somewhere in the middle of all that fear and panic is the realization that I am already completely smitten with our baby girl. I already love her more than I ever thought I possibly could and even though its still scary I am so excited to be able to show her just how important she is to me and to her dad (who might be even more in love with her than I am). It’s humbling (and frightening) to think that she is going to rely on us for everything, that we’re completely responsible for her.

But the whole adventure is so thrilling too because even now already, before we’ve even met her, she is exactly what we hoped for and so much more than we could have dreamed of.

So the rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety and panic? It’s all there because I never realized how much the process of becoming a parent would take over my entire life.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.


Love and kindness…

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, 0 comments
Looking Forward

Looking Forward

Hello beautiful, magical people!

At long last, I am back on the internet scene. Finally, I know, don’t remind me about how long it’s been since I last posted anything. *le sigh*

The whole reason I dropped my attempt at blogging a few months back was because it was far too stressful trying to plan our wedding, work a full time job (with whatever overtime I could manage to get) and still try to have a decent social/family life outside of work. It was very overwhelming and stressful for a while and I can’t say I handled it particularly well.

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Even the most difficult journey can be beautiful.  Photo by Omer Salom on Unsplash

 

However. We got MARRIED, we’ve officially moved into our place, and life is FINALLY starting to calm down. I’ve been waiting not-so-patiently to get to a point in the unpacking where I felt relaxed enough to sit down and write this – and I’m actually writing this a week before it posts, so I actually feel ahead of the game for once. Yay!

I am going to write more about the wedding and that process in a later post, but for now we’ll say that it was the best day of my life. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone more than I did before the wedding, but as always, I’ve been proved wrong. I love my husband more every day – and yes, I know how horribly cliche that sounds, but it is also the truth. He’s been gently pushing me to get back to writing for a while now and I feel so blessed that I found someone who refuses to let me give up on anything. We’re pretty good for each other, if I do say so myself.

I wish there was more to say about everything that I’ve been up to lately, but honestly that’s about it. I’ve been so focused on the process of getting married that there just hasn’t been time for much else. I’m started to get excited now about the prospect of getting back to the projects that I love. I want to start playing piano again, reading more books, keeping my planner in order, decorating my house, participating in (and winning!) NaNoWriMo, and just working on writing projects in general again. It all sounds fantastic.

Having said that, I do plan to go back to posting here every week, and hopefully I’ll get six blog posts written every month. That’s the goal anyways. I would love to say that I’m just going to jump straight back in with all the social media posting and the super planned posts and all the extras. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. It never happens overnight and it’s going to be a slow process of building this thing up again.

There are a few things I want to accomplish over the rest of this year. Only four more months, can you believe it?!

I still want to finish another book this year – not necessarily published or anything like that, but having a completed manuscript would be awesome. Finishing any kind of project is an accomplishment for me, honestly! And winning NaNoWriMo is also included in this, since hopefully it will help me reach that goal of finishing a manuscript.

I also intend to implement several more lifestyle changes in my daily life. I want to continue keeping our apartment tidy and pretty, so that it becomes a warm and wonderful place to come home to. I want to improve my cooking skills and start working out on a regular basis – being healthier is always a good idea! I also want to make time on a regular basis for the creative projects that I enjoy doing sot hat I can feel more fulfilled again with my life (and that includes blogging!).

The biggest one though, in my mind, is that throughout the next four months, I want to work on embracing my emotional side and becoming more in tune with myself. Hopefully improving myself in those areas will help me become better at working through problems, I’ll be able to get even closer to my husband, and I will start loving myself more again. I’ve come to the conclusion recently that me not accepting who and what I am has been the real issue in my life for the last while. I think working on this will also kick-start my creative drive again – or at least that’s the plan!

There are a lot more things that I want to do over the next few months, of course, but that covers the main things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Besides blogging, of course! As you can probably see, I’ve changed up a few things about the website and the focus has also changed slightly, but it’s still the same me, and the same ideas!

I’ll be back next week with more content and a more complete website, so come back for more!

Love and kindness,

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Posted by katharine_marie, 0 comments