letters

An Open Letter

To my precious baby girl,

There are so many moments that I am trying to capture right now, both through pictures and words. I’m becoming so painfully aware of just how quickly you’re growing and I desperately want to make time stand still, just for a little while so I can take it all in.

I honestly did not know how much my heart was capable of. Everyone told me about how much things would change when you were born, but I guess it was one of those things that you really can’t understand until it happens to you.

I can’t remember what it was like not to plan my day around your meals and naps. I don’t really know how to focus on something else anymore because you are always in the back of my mind.

There have been a few moments, usually in the middle of the night, when I just want to take a break… or sometimes during the day when some time to myself would be the best thing ever. But even when I do get those moments to myself, when I do get to take a hot shower and relax, it’s not the same because I’m still wondering whether you’re okay without me. Even right now, I’m typing this while you take a nap and I keep pausing to listen, to make sure you’re still asleep. I have to make myself stay put and not check on you every two minutes.

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You’re still so small and I’m still trying to figure out what you need at any given moment. I cry a lot because I have no idea what I’m doing and I just know that I’m failing you as a mom. But I can see that you recognize me, my face and my voice, and a lot of the time that’s all you want – just to see or hear me, and then you’re happy.

I wonder a lot about what kind of person you’re going to grow into and I think about what all you’ll end up doing throughout your life. Your daddy and I are very adamant about letting you be your own person and we’re trying not to have any pre-conceived ideas about what we want you to do with your life, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it. I wonder what your favorite stuffed animal is going to be over the next couple of years. I think about what your favorite part of school will be once we get into that stage, and what subject you’ll fight me on every day. I want to know what hobbies you’ll get into and whether you’ll want to play sports and I try not to hope too much that maybe you’ll enjoy riding horses with me.

No, I don’t want to get ahead of myself and focus on those things. All I want is for you to grow into a strong, brave woman. Someone who is kind and gentle and always goes after whatever it is that she wants. I want you to never ever forget that no matter what, I’m always going to be here for you and I’ll always have your back – even when you’re a teenager and you kind of hate me. So yes, I hope you become an amazing person, but mostly I just hope that I’ll be the mom that you need in order to become that person.

And I want to do my absolute best to make sure that I am that mom, whatever that takes. I am so, SO blessed to have your dad beside me, and in turn you are a very lucky girl to have him too. I honestly have no idea how I would be handling this adventure without his help.

Of course I’m reading all the books and the blogs and I’m asking my mom a million questions – I’m trying to suck all the helpful information in without getting overwhelmed. And then I’m trying to learn exactly what you’re life because even with all the tips and expert knowledge that I can read, nothing is the same as learning exactly what your different cries sound like or how you like to be held or how long you like to eat for. I have to learn what your quirks and preferences are, and I love how special you are (yes, I’m still biased).

I guess it’s a good thing that I’m already learning that hard lesson – nothing will replace listening to my own baby instead of all the opinions and ideas that get thrown at me. And I intend to keep that lesson close to my heart because no matter how old you get, listening to you will always be the most helpful thing I can do.

I love you, baby girl. I’m so proud (and also terrified) to be your mom and I can’t wait to see what you become. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I had no idea how much you would change me.

Forever and ever, I’ll always love you.

-your mommy

 

p.s. also, just stop growing for a while. just stay this small for a bit longer. please??

Posted by katharine_marie, 0 comments