personal

starting fresh

Hello dear readers,

The last few posts I’ve written have felt kind of heavy. Usually, I try not to do that many in a row, but between the world lately and everything I’ve been working through and processing internally, it would have felt fake to try and post something more upbeat or lighter in nature. That isn’t to say that I’ve been depressed and miserable for the last month. It’s actually been quite a good summer overall! But I do try to write about the real and the raw aspects of life, and things have definitely been VERY real lately.

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Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

So the short version of the story is that I’ve been doing a lot of internal processing lately. 2020 has been a really strange year and I’ve found myself breaking out of the box I had previously put myself into in so many ways. I’ve found the courage to state my opinions and beliefs, to actually speak with people more boldly than I ever would have before, and it has been really really freeing. But in the same breath, it has been so very hard because I overthink every little thing and having disagreements with people is something that I have always avoided with a passion.

But I know, in my heart, that I’m not making mistakes in my life, that I’m just coming home to myself and owning who I am in a whole new light. I’m recognizing my faults and my bad habits and in doing so, I’m motivated to overcome them. I’m focused on loving the people around me, and in doing so, I’m learning how to love myself all over again. I’ve had the right intentions for so very long, but I’ve been blind to how I was blocking myself from really reaching my dreams or how I was dividing and hurting other people, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted!

Tracking my moods and my habits in my planner has been absolutely invaluable in helping me realize when I’m being selfish and when I’m being selfLESS, two things that get tangled sometimes in my mind (odd as that may sound). Making my opinions known is different from arguing with someone and in trying to stand up for what I believe, I was becoming resentful and bitter, all because I was going about it the wrong way. (I’m still figuring out the right way for ME, so I’ll keep you updated lol.)

I’m getting used to saying it out loud, but I’m a very empathic person. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time, and I’ve really come to terms lately with the fact that I was not dealing with it very well at all. I never truly understood how much my empathic tendencies were taking over every minute of every day, or how much I was feeding off of other people. And that isn’t healthy. Not at all! I’ve had to take a step back from people in general and do some work on me before I can even think about helping others in the same way.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to me being in a place to write this blog post and a lot of things that I want to discuss moving forward, but I’ll get to those in the future. All I want to say right now is that I am deeply sorry if I have hurt or offended anyone. I never wanted to spread anything but love and I’m so upset that I’ve done otherwise. My beliefs may not change, but I am working on changing my actions, which I hope will become self-evident.

I won’t be posting this Friday and it’s deliberate this time, not just because of a hectic schedule. I need some time to recharge and I’m also way behind on planning blog posts for the rest of 2020. So I’ll be working on that as well. But next week is August and I’ll be back full force!


Much love and lots of light to everyone,

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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Depression, General, Life in 2020, Lifestyle, mental health, Setting Goals, 0 comments

thirteen confessions

Hello fellow dreamers!

In January, I posted what I called an Updated Introduction, basically telling everyone who I am and what I do or whatever.

Well, today I thought I would continue on that train of thought. The original plan as I started writing this post was just to do random facts about me, but then it evolved into a list of confessions? I’m still decided whether I’ll regret this or not, but regardless, here it is! This is also connected with some social media posts I’m going to be making throughout the rest of February, so maybe it’s not totally random. I don’t know.

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One. I still can’t wrap my mind around how to maintain small talk. I just find it so awkward and difficult that I always want to run as far away as possible.

Two. I barely feel comfortable calling myself a writer most of the time. Wouldn’t a real writer actually finish projects more regularly and not procrastinate so much? I feel like I talk a lot but don’t actually follow through.

Three. Even at 25 years old, I’m still afraid of the dark. That’s why I don’t watch horror movies, or even anything remotely creepy after the sun goes down.

Four. Some days I don’t want to be a mom. I want to put that whole identity in a box and go do something else for a few days. I know it’s a totally normal feeling, but it still makes me feel guilty.

Five. I’m weirdly obsessed with Billie Eilish right now? I know the whole world kind of is at the moment, but still.

Six. I’ve had the idea of possibly fostering kids sitting in the back of my mind since I was pretty young, like maybe twelve or thirteen. I’m still interested, but who knows.

Seven. One of the things my social anxiety tells me is that nobody believes what I say – nobody actually believes that I suffer with depression or anxiety.

Eight. I kind of really want another tattoo, even though I have no idea what.

Nine. The Husband is always turning on really awful movies (like the bad 90s stuff) for us to watch and honestly, I enjoy them a lot more than I want to admit.

Ten. I really think I could have some form of ADHD. My brain is a mess.

Eleven. I didn’t want a relationship. I wasn’t interested in getting married or even having children. But then that cliche happened: “when you meet the right person.” Even though it was absolutely true in my case and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I still get annoyed that the cliche was true for me.

Twelve.There is a long on-going struggle in my mind about letting go of all the work I put into having a musical career. I know that in the end it wasn’t the career I truly wanted, but I still have some issues letting it go.

Thirteen. You know what I said earlier about being afraid of the dark? Well, I still listen to the soundtracks from those movies sometimes because the thrill is just a little too much fun. I know, super weird.


I have a weird thing about confessions and I’ve enjoyed similar blog posts from other people, so that’s why I’m sharing this now. If you don’t follow me on Instagram or Facebook (Instagram in particular) then you should go do that now because I’ll be doing several posts over the next few weeks related to this list. It’s really vulnerable writing something like this, but I’m working to let go a little and we’ll see what happens!

What’s something about you that nobody really knows about?


Love, light, and a multitude of kindness,

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Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Life in 2020, Life of a Writer, Lifestyle, mental health, 1 comment

An Updated Introduction

Hello, wonderful dreamers!

Around the end of 2019 I was scrolling through all the posts I’ve done since starting Elemental Dreamer and it caught my attention that I never did an introductory post when I first started blogging on this particular site. Maybe it didn’t seem necessary since I had been blogging on various platforms for several years, but now I have a bit of a different focus and more than a few new readers, so a fresh introduction was overdue.

Photo credit: Espinosa Entertainment

My name is Katharine Marie. I am a very introverted, easily distracted writer in her mid-twenties who loves to dream about so many alternate realities that I end up confused most of the time.

I grew up as the horse-crazy girl who could play piano. The horse thing never faded and the piano is something I pursued for a while at university before I finally recognized that it wasn’t something I wanted to do full time. I still play, but not as professionally as I once did and I’m okay with that.

After realizing that I wasn’t going to pursue a musical career, it took some time to find my footing again. In 2018 I married the love of my life and in 2019 we added a beautiful daughter to our family. My world was completely turned upside down in those two years but it was the best thing I could have ever gotten myself into and I love the life I made for myself.

Struggling with anxiety and depression is a defining characteristic of my life; both illnesses are something I work very hard to keep under control. Learning to deal with it though has created a passion for mental health awareness that tends to come out a lot in my blog posts and social media accounts.

Ever since I was nine years old, I have used words to help me handle the world around me. I filled piles of notebooks with fanfiction, fantasy tales, alternate realities, and extravagant plans for all the things I wanted to do and experience. When I first started blogging, I think I was fifteen or sixteen years old and I was solely writing about my equestrian adventures. Once I became more involved in my college classes, my focus diverted to general life rambling. One of my still-standing blogs is L’Art Classique, which I started after moving off to university and updated quite consistently until I stopped attending there. I’m actually quite proud of that blog and I’m in the process of rewriting some of those posts to share on this platform.

Aside from my online presence, I tend to be fairly down to earth, even if I suck at small talk and I’m afraid of most people (again, introverted!). I like to drink my coffee in the mornings while I check my horoscope and read a few Scripture passages. I definitely value my sleep a lot more now as a new mom. I’ve also recently started playing around with writing screenplays since my husband is a film-maker and we love to work on projects together. I try to be social sometimes but it’s just not something I’m good at and will probably forever struggle with. I still love spending time with my horses or cuddling my cats or watching the moon whenever I get the chance.

2020 is going to be a pretty interesting year for me. I’ve been in banking for about two years now and I really enjoy the work, but a week from today will be my last day at my job. I am so very very blessed to have the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter and pursue some of my home business ideas as well as start a path towards finishing my college degree. It’s going to be a year of change and I’m so very excited to see how it unfolds. I know blogging is going to continue to be a great way for me to keep my thoughts straight as I adjust to a new set of habits and routines.

My life is so vastly different from what I expected it to become but my heart is much more full and I laugh so much more now. I look forward to writing many more posts about the journey of mental health and the adventures of life.


Love, light, and unending kindness,

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Posted by katharine_marie in mental health, 0 comments

Moving is Chaos

Hello lovely folks and fellow dreamers!

As I mentioned in Monday’s post, we moved out of our apartment last week! We finally found a place that, while not being any bigger that what we had, is a million times better as far as neighborhood, quality, etc. All the things that were important to me with the impending addition of a tiny human.

But as we all know, moving can be complete chaos. It’s been a bit rough and crazy, but mostly just exhausting. We’re both super tired and trust me, we’re not even completely unpacked yet.

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I had well laid plans and great intentions for packing and moving everything in a timely and orderly way. But good grief, packing is ridiculously hard when you’re eight months pregnant. Well… in reality, just about everything is hard. But the physical exertion of just filling two or three boxes with just clothes was enough for one evening. So, we can just say that things didn’t go according to my “well laid plans.”

We were also faced with the fact that we have way too much stuff. I love a more minimalist aesthetic, but we are so far from that idea it’s a little funny. Because I wasn’t able to pack up as much stuff as I wanted to ahead of time I wasn’t able to sort through everything as much as I originally planned. But we’ve still been able to get rid of a lot of clutter and I plan to sort through things a little more as I unpack boxes.

I need to do a shout-out to my family – they have been absolutely AMAZING. My dad brought his truck and trailer and between him, my brother, and The Husband they were able to move all the furniture down from our second floor apartment and across town to the new place. In the triple digit Texas heat, no less. I felt so bad for them, especially since I have a piano that practically weighs a ton by itself. And my mom – she packed up so much of the house on her own and has been helping me clean. Let’s just say I felt very useless the whole time and still everything got done.

And the cats… oh goodness… they are certainly figuring things out. Giovanni despises moving or packing or anything related to that so he has been a real piece of work. Moriarty just thought it was all the best game ever! I mean, boxes everywhere, right? But they’re slowly settling in. I think they still feel a bit out of place – and they’ve been waking me up at 6am or earlier since we started spending the night. So that’s fun. Time will help them adjust though.

Of course I wish the place was a little bit bigger. In reality the floor space is probably very similar to the apartment but the layout is very different. But we are definitely losing closet space and I’m having to work around that fact.

The entire place has concrete flooring – which while it might not be ideal is really not a big issue. We’re going to invest in some area rugs and cushy mats for the kitchen, which will help a great deal. And we’ve already noticed that the place just feels a lot cooler than the apartment did, part of which I’m sure if because we’re ground level now, but also the concrete floor just stays cool.

My favorite things? Oh dear…

  • The backyard, especially the adorable horses across the fence!
  • The kitchen is bigger. So, SO nice.
  • A laundry room! Granted, we still need to acquire a washer/dryer, but at least there’s a place to put them!
  • No. More. Stairs.
  • The quiet feeling of being almost in the country. We’re in a neighborhood right on the edge of town and it is gloriously quiet and relaxed.
  • Did I mention the stairs being nonexistent? It. Is. Fabulous.

The next housing goal is, of course, to own our own place and we plan to work towards that after the baby gets here. Whether that will be just buying a house or actually building something, we’re not sure. But for right now? I think we’re content just to settle in, work towards some financial goals, and not rush into anything. We found what we think will be a lovely place to bring Baby A home to and that is all that matters right now.

Originally I was going to share a couple of pictures, but without internet at the house for the week my options were more limited – but I plan to share pictures in a couple weeks when I have things more organized. Right now everything is in the middle of unpacking and rather a mess so I’m okay keeping it to myself! So stay tuned if you’re interested in the “finished” product!


Love and kindness,

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie, 0 comments

Thrills and Fears

Hello you fabulous readers!

This week kind of feels like a rollercoaster for some reason. And it’s only Tuesday!

In case you don’t keep up with me on social media, I was finally able to announce yesterday that I’m taking my writing hobby on a new adventure and finally making the push into the freelancing world as a writer and editor!

Now you can check out my new professional website while I slowly figure out how to break my way into jobs and side gigs that I really love spending time on! I’m a whole mix of terrified and excited because this is what I’ve wanted to do for a long time but have never had the courage or drive to really go for it.

But anyways… starting my new business isn’t what I wanted to write about today. Not really. Or at least not quite yet. We’ll come back to it.

Today I want to talk a little bit about the thoughts, the thrills, and the fears that I have about the other adventure I’m embarking on… the one where I become a parent.

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I wasn’t the girl that grew up dreaming about the perfect wedding or knowing that one day I would become a mom. Nothing against those things themselves, but just that I had other priorities and interests that kept me busy.

It makes me cringe because it’s so cliché but I only started being interested in having kids after my husband and I got together. We’re not going to talk about why that might have happened, but that’s the way it was.

But even after we had talked about it and decided that children were in our future, it still didn’t really sink in just what I was getting myself into. Even now, there are a lot of things about the whole situation that scare me to death and if I wasn’t on this adventure with the person I am I probably would have already died of panic. (Sorry, anxiety talking!)

The logical, rational, thinking side of me keeps me kind of sane. I know that my husband and I are an incredibly good team, that we have the same values and ideas, and that we’ll be able to handle this. I’m aware that I have a big group of friends and family that live nearby who will be able to help me learn what I need to know and take on some of the work when I need the backup.

I am super blessed to have a full-time job right now that is supportive and understanding of how real life works so that I’m not stressed about that adjustment after baby A arrives.

Then there’s the terrified aspect… I am very aware of the fact that I don’t know a lot about taking care of a baby. Honestly I only learned a few months ago how important it is not to leave blankets or pillows in a crib with a newborn. I didn’t really babysit as a teenager and I wasn’t all that interested in small children so information like that never really stuck in my mind.

I’m really scared that I’ll do something wrong and she’ll never be able to sleep on her own at night. I’m afraid that the cats aren’t going to get along with her and I’ll be forced to choose (thankfully I already have a long list of ideas on how to fix this problem if it arises).

And somewhere in the middle of all that fear and panic is the realization that I am already completely smitten with our baby girl. I already love her more than I ever thought I possibly could and even though its still scary I am so excited to be able to show her just how important she is to me and to her dad (who might be even more in love with her than I am). It’s humbling (and frightening) to think that she is going to rely on us for everything, that we’re completely responsible for her.

But the whole adventure is so thrilling too because even now already, before we’ve even met her, she is exactly what we hoped for and so much more than we could have dreamed of.

So the rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety and panic? It’s all there because I never realized how much the process of becoming a parent would take over my entire life.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.


Love and kindness…

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, 0 comments

i let my mind wander

Hello my beautiful magical people! I know it’s been two whole weeks since my last post, but it just took me forever to settle into writing so much on a daily basis that I just couldn’t get anything finished. Whoops. Anyways, I *think* I’ve gotten into a bit of a better routine now, and I’m writing much easier, so I can start expecting more content with less of the struggle.

Writing Insanity

Firstly… NaNoWriMo! Yes, the famous challenge of 50,000-words-in-30-days. That one. I’ve participated for the last five or six years now and even do the Camp Nano version sometimes when they happen in April and July. I’m just a sucker for a good (and difficult!) challenge idea. Plus I’m terrible at finishing the first draft of anything, so it’s a good way to get at least most of the way there. This year I’m working on a post-apocalyptic story idea and it’s actually been really interesting. I like trying different genres because they get me out of my comfort zone and really make me think about setting and character development in a totally different way. So far, November hasn’t gone quite as well as I would like it to, but I’ve been getting more and more steady about writing on a regular basis. Maybe it helps that I have the ability to work on it while I’m on the clock (shhhh) so that it’s not something I’m trying to squish into my spare time. I’m still a lot more behind than I want to be, but like I mentioned earlier, it’s been hard to get back into the habit of writing this much on a daily basis. I’m getting much better though! I’ll try to start keeping you updated on social media over the weekend and throughout the rest of the month.

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Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Mental Health Notes

Next, I wanted to ramble just a bit about how my mental health has been since the last time I posted about it. And… it’s been a bit up and down. I’m trying to stay aware of where my mind is at during the day so that I can adjust my thoughts accordingly and I think it is helping. I try to check in with myself before I leave for work so that I can pack essential oils or herbal medications, and I’m starting to add at least a small amount of meditation somewhere into my day. Baby steps, really, but coming out of a dark spiral always gives me some new insight into my triggers and weaknesses. This time, I want to really try to implement strategies into my life that are extremely consistent, whether it’s a good day or a bad day.

On a related note, I’ve also been thinking about my mindset going into the holidays. I think to a certain extent I am getting excited about the holiday season, but I’m also starting to hit the anxiety portion of that excitement. So it feels like I’m yo-yoing a little, going back and forth from excited to anxious to apathetic sometimes. The stress of plans and schedules and gift giving is a lot, but I’m trying to stay on top of it and enjoy things for what they are in the moment that they are.

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Photo by Calum MacAulay on Unsplash

Where have my thoughts been?

Since I’ve been working on focusing my thoughts and just being aware of them in general, I’m noticing a lot of trends. Mainly, I tend to avoid things. A lot. Many times, I don’t want to stress myself out, so I just avoid anything that has to do with… say… the recent election, personal finances, planning out the distant future, social situations, etc. The list could go on for a long

while. And while it’s good that I’m working on not being stressed, it’s also not a good thing to be avoiding things all the time. Sometimes we have to face the issues and actually deal with them. Running away isn’t a good option. But more on that another time…

What projects am I working on?

First of all, while I was writing this post up, I started thinking that it might be fun to write up this kind of post, in a shorter vision, on a weekly basis. It’s something that I’ll be thinking about. If you have a thought about it, let me know and I’ll add it to my notes.

All of the writing I’ve been doing this month has gotten my mind on blogging and novels, so I’m definitely working up some new projects in those areas. Mostly I’m just excited to be writing again – I forgot how much I love words!

In my personal life, I’ve started trying to learn again, since I’ve missed college lately (more on that another time). I’m also working on sorting out a manageable system so that between me and the husband, we can keep the house looking presentable, the kitties happy, and our schedules simplified. We’ve been discussing our options for the future, such as living options after our lease runs out next year, at what point we’re going to start a family, and a myriad of other things. Life choices – basically we’re still figuring out what married life is going to look like for us, so that’s always fun!

What have you been working on or focused on this past week?

 

Love and kindness,

Katharine Marie

Posted by katharine_marie, 0 comments