tattoo

Five Years of Choices

Hey there, all you lovely folks out in the big wide world!

I’ve been in that weird mental space lately where I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened in my life and the choices that I made that led to where I am today.

Five years ago I was getting ready to head off to university. According to the plan I had at that time, 2020 would have been the year I would have started teaching/working/something, likely moved into the Dallas area (or another metroplex). I had zero intentions of settling down or having kids for a looonnnggg time yet. Don’t you just love how life doesn’t turn out the way we planned? It’s great.

My brain is very inconsistent sometimes. It’s very hard for me to let go of that one inconsequential thing I didn’t do yesterday and kick myself for that. But do I wish I hadn’t gone to university, struggled really really hard, and spent a crapload of money for three rough semesters that would leave me totally confused about what I really wanted out of my life? No, not really. I could easily look back and see where I could have made better choices or done things better/differently, but I don’t regret the journey that brought me to where I am today.

I learned SO MUCH about music during the years I spent studying and pursuing that career. I may be out of practice right now, but even without playing regularly, I’m still a pretty great pianist and that’s a skill I value highly.

The first semester I spent at university, I leased a lovely little horse and took weekly lessons for several months. It was easy to think that I failed at my horse goals because ultimately it was expensive/time consuming and I ended the lease in order to focus on my music classes. But in actuality, even four years later, I’m still feeling the effects of what I learned in those lessons and from that horse when I ride Lady. That’s worth it.

I might have felt lost. I might have spent my time in questionable ways. I may have spent too many late nights out on the town because I was confused. I might have ended up in the wrong relationships. But I learned from every single thing that happened.

I stressed myself out. I cried. I got a new kitten. I had a lot of panic attacks. I spent hours pounding away on super expensive pianos and questioning my career choice the entire time. I took criticism. I made good and bad grades. I discovered a unique love for music history (that was unexpected). I failed a class for the first time in my life. I struggled with money and then spent half a month’s earnings on my first tattoo – because I wanted to. I made and lost friends. I worked long hours and went into debt for the first time.

Basically, the first few years of “adulthood” were hard for me. And I think, in a way, they should be that way. It was rough being on my own for the first time. Plus, I’m stubbornly independent and will not ask for help unless it’s extremely dire. So I needed to learn a few lessons.

But I don’t regret the choices that I made or the experiences that I had. None of it was a waste of time or money. I didn’t think I would end up where I did, but I’m also not the same person I was five years ago. I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I had no idea what I was doing when I said yes to The Husband’s proposal and I had no idea what I was thinking when I said I wanted a baby. But those were the two decisions that led to the most happiness I could ever ask for in a lifetime.

I’m still searching for more, and I think I always will be, to some extent. But truthfully, I could not ask for a better life. I’m grounded and truly confident in myself and what I believe. It’s a nice place to be.

Maybe this week I’ll manage to get out two posts again. I’ve been in the process of clearing more space in my schedule and school is tough this term, so it’s been a juggling act lately!


Until next time,

Love, light, and kindness,

untitled

Posted by katharine_marie in General, Life in 2020, Life of a Writer, Lifestyle, mental health, 0 comments

thirteen confessions

Hello fellow dreamers!

In January, I posted what I called an Updated Introduction, basically telling everyone who I am and what I do or whatever.

Well, today I thought I would continue on that train of thought. The original plan as I started writing this post was just to do random facts about me, but then it evolved into a list of confessions? I’m still decided whether I’ll regret this or not, but regardless, here it is! This is also connected with some social media posts I’m going to be making throughout the rest of February, so maybe it’s not totally random. I don’t know.

john-schnobrich-2FPjlAyMQTA-unsplash

One. I still can’t wrap my mind around how to maintain small talk. I just find it so awkward and difficult that I always want to run as far away as possible.

Two. I barely feel comfortable calling myself a writer most of the time. Wouldn’t a real writer actually finish projects more regularly and not procrastinate so much? I feel like I talk a lot but don’t actually follow through.

Three. Even at 25 years old, I’m still afraid of the dark. That’s why I don’t watch horror movies, or even anything remotely creepy after the sun goes down.

Four. Some days I don’t want to be a mom. I want to put that whole identity in a box and go do something else for a few days. I know it’s a totally normal feeling, but it still makes me feel guilty.

Five. I’m weirdly obsessed with Billie Eilish right now? I know the whole world kind of is at the moment, but still.

Six. I’ve had the idea of possibly fostering kids sitting in the back of my mind since I was pretty young, like maybe twelve or thirteen. I’m still interested, but who knows.

Seven. One of the things my social anxiety tells me is that nobody believes what I say – nobody actually believes that I suffer with depression or anxiety.

Eight. I kind of really want another tattoo, even though I have no idea what.

Nine. The Husband is always turning on really awful movies (like the bad 90s stuff) for us to watch and honestly, I enjoy them a lot more than I want to admit.

Ten. I really think I could have some form of ADHD. My brain is a mess.

Eleven. I didn’t want a relationship. I wasn’t interested in getting married or even having children. But then that cliche happened: “when you meet the right person.” Even though it was absolutely true in my case and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I still get annoyed that the cliche was true for me.

Twelve.There is a long on-going struggle in my mind about letting go of all the work I put into having a musical career. I know that in the end it wasn’t the career I truly wanted, but I still have some issues letting it go.

Thirteen. You know what I said earlier about being afraid of the dark? Well, I still listen to the soundtracks from those movies sometimes because the thrill is just a little too much fun. I know, super weird.


I have a weird thing about confessions and I’ve enjoyed similar blog posts from other people, so that’s why I’m sharing this now. If you don’t follow me on Instagram or Facebook (Instagram in particular) then you should go do that now because I’ll be doing several posts over the next few weeks related to this list. It’s really vulnerable writing something like this, but I’m working to let go a little and we’ll see what happens!

What’s something about you that nobody really knows about?


Love, light, and a multitude of kindness,

untitled

Posted by katharine_marie in Anxiety, Life in 2020, Life of a Writer, Lifestyle, mental health, 1 comment